The Perks of Being a Mango
by Madeverett
Summary: The life and endeavours of Mort Almango
1. Chapter 1 - Breakfast

The Perks of Being a Mango

Before I begin I would just like to make a couple of points:

-I am not insane

-I write because in story land I can make anything happen

-A lot of the inspiration for the content of this book came from my friends

-I started writing this because I was supposed to be making the conclusion to a book which I rather enjoyed reading (blue and bronze by elvendork27) and then the weird and wonderful plans that I had, formed their own tale that I did not believe could be told in the conclusion of a sane book

-I do not own the Harry Potter franchise

-I do not claim that I have any more ownership over mangoes than anyone else

-I do not own the perks of being a wallflower however I used it as inspiration for my title

-Do not read this if you are under the age of 11

-I have nothing against gays, I am bi

-This may be a tad confusing

-Enjoy!

He lies there. In a cupboard. Isolated from the outside world. A blackbird knocks on the cupboard door, "hello" she says in a strong Russian accent. "Here is your diced and sliced mango, sprinkled with papaya seeds. Mort notices (well, how could you not) that she repeated the word 'papaya' three times in a high-pitched false British accent – like this: PAPAYA PAPAYA PAPAYA! Mort stops and thinks, he looks distraught, you will soon discover why. "But I can't eat my own kind!" He exclaims, "and I'm allergic to papaya seeds!" She replies with a rather simple "shut up bitch" which is quite offensive considering Mort's gender, Mort realizes that she has missed out 'son of a' but then stops himself pointing this out because it is an insult either way. She pushes the mango and papaya seeds through the grilles of the cupboard door. Mort's jaw falls open at the rudeness of this and in doing so the papaya seeds fall into the gaping hole in his face something that is commonly known as a mouth. I know what you're thinking, and before you say that I am a stalker for saying that just remember that it is a figure of speech, I know what you're thinking, Mort is allergic to papaya seeds so I'd just like to warn you that Mort Almango is about to die a horrific mangoeish death which involves creatures that live in his stomach to arise up his esophagus and sing before he shall crumple on the floor. But Mort was lying. So that's not going to happen. And he doesn't have to fake anything because that blackbird had severely damaged a wing in the process of slamming the grilles shut on his cupboard, and as the lights faded and music began, she swaggered down the hallway (seeing as she couldn't fly) and rather unladylikely fled out of the letterbox and into the night.


	2. Chapter 2 - Post

Mort is taking a nap in the front garden. He stands up. The light of day blinds him. "Oh no!" he shouts, "I'm blind!" he pauses and touches his face "wait, no, my cap fell down" Mort lifts up his beret cap which is a striking shade of magenta. In all his happiness of discovering that he is not in fact blind he bursts in to song. He throws his arms out to the side, looks up and spins around and around and it is at that moment that an envelope with emerald writing and no stamp falls from the sky and lands right in Mort's left eye. Now he really is blind.

Later that day Mort Almango could be seen through the window of number 4 Privet Drive, wearing an eye-patch and falling over the television, and a moment later a rather large boy known as Dudley waddles into the room and slaps Mort's protruding arse with an almighty 'thwack' before Mort could pick himself up from behind the television. This was what was seen by Arabella Figg. Ms. Figg lives opposite the Dursleys and after watching Mort being hit in the eye by a letter and stumbling back to his house, she realises what that letter is. She hurries outside, slippers tapping behind her and retrieves the letter. She turns it over and sees the Hogwarts crest, and lets out a sigh of longing.

Mort jerks awake. At first he doesn't remember why but then he hears it again; a long slow whistle sounds again outside the house. He carefully opens his cupboard door, reluctant to leave the warmth of the small space, and tiptoes to the door and pushes his ear against it. He hears the whistle again along with some shuffling of feet. He rather foolishly opens the front door (seeing as it could be a rapist outside the door) an old woman with thin lips and mousy hair stands there. Mort recognises her as one of his neighbours whose name escapes him. Frog? Fork? "Hi Mort" FIGG! IT'S OLD FIGGY! He realises. He arches his eyebrows questioningly at her for she had paused, probably because of the deranged expression that formed on his face when he figured out who she was (he has a tendency to do that). She reaches into her pocket and pulls out an envelope with emerald writing on it, she pushes it into Mort's hands, places a finger to her lips and trots back across the road. Mort closes the door quietly and makes his way back to his cupboard; he is slightly irritated that the warmth has left his bed as he forgot to close the door. Pulling the thin bed sheet over his head, he pulls a torch from the tiny shelf and takes his attention to the envelope.


	3. Chapter 3 - Prophecy

**Chapter 3**

Mort Almango

The Cupboard Under the Stairs

4 Privet Drive

Surrey

England

There comes a bang at the cupboard door. Mort's attention lingers with the letter as he absentmindedly slides open the lock and a blackbird stomps inside. She coughs, and then again, louder this time. Mort says nothing. She coughs once more and this time she takes it a tad too far and it transforms into a full on choking attack, phlegm sprays the walls and she screeches as she only has one working wing to give herself the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Mort, the antisocial bastard, still ignores the poor birdie as she makes tragic noises and her eyes bulge. Finally her coughing reduces and she resorts to tapping her claws instead. "MORT MORT MORT MORT" she shouts. "Whaaaaaaat" he whines. He twists his neck to look at her. Her wing is in a cast and it is propped out from her waits by a pole. "Ahahahahahahahahahaha…" Now it is Mort's turn to choke. He squeals like a piggy and hiccoughs. She tilts her head in a girly manner of disapproval that she can't pull off after what had just happened.

"What on earth is that?" she asks in surprise. "Duh, a letter!" Mort says, flicking his side fringe out of his face as he speaks. "I get that, but what does it say on the front?" she says like it was totally obvious what she was asking in the first place. "Mort Almango, The Cupboard Under the Stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Surrey, England" He spits out. "Can't you read, jeez you're a bird, c'mon!" She replies "Yeah, I read English not some frickin' mango language." She pauses. "No, it can't be, not Mort" she whispers. "What?" he says indignantly. "But Almango though… the chosen one… there were prophecies…" She mutters to herself. "Morty boy, it seems that you can read fructus- tongue. There were rumours that he, king of the gays would come one day. It seems Mort, that you are that boy."

They both stroke their chins, their eyebrows go up, their mouths turn down at the corners, and they slowly look up to the top right (please imitate this description to help you understand it). The lights fade dramatically.


	4. Chapter 4 - Carpets

I know you have been waiting for this moment for a long time. Mort _finally_ opens the bloody letter, he slides his finger under the seal, giving himself a paper-cut in the process, idiot, and begins to read. The blackbird sits there, still muttering to herself about prophecies and all that kerbizzledness, but Mort decides to ignore her because like I say he is rather rude. Mort's tongue flops like a dead fish out of his mouth while he reads, hmmmm… maybe you didn't want to know that actually. "A magic school, really?" he says with raised eyebrows "No broomsticks… books… robes… a pet-" He is interrupted by that bird "ME ME ME-" Mort stands on her head. Her body flattens out and becomes a flat, black, feathery, talking rug. Mort thinks this would be just perfect to sit on, so therefore he does. The rug quivers and that blasts out of the door, carrying Mort on top of it. The flying carpet takes Mort all the way to bloody London, Mort shrieking like a girl the whole way. When they get to London the Carpet flicks Mort off it and sends him somersaulting through the air, soon to land on his butt outside a shabby black pub.

Mort brushes down his arse, and stands up, squinting at the lettering on the front of the pub: 'The eaky Ca ldron.' Okay then, Mort thinks, what a strange name for a pub, The Eaky Caldron. A toothless hunchback hobbles outside and grabs the scruff of Mort's neck and drags him inside. "Get in, get it. You're drawing attention to us, _wizard"_ The bloke drags him through the pub and up to a brick wall and shoves him against it. Mort protests "But I was-" He coughs "-Hoping for a drink first" The bald dude taps the wall a couple of times and to Mort's surprise he falls right through it, and in a cloud of dust he emerges onto Diagon Alley.


End file.
